Carl Showalter: You know, it's proven that second-hand smoke is, uh, carcin-...

Carl Showalter: What kind of trouble are you in, Jerry?
Jerry Lundegaard: Well, that's, that's, I'm not gonna go inta, inta...

Jerry Lundegaard: Well, heck, if you wanna play games here! I'm workin' with ya on this thing, but I... Okay, I'll do a lot count!
Marge Gunderson: Sir? Right now?

Marge Gunderson: So that was Mrs. Lundegaard on the floor in there.

Marge Gunderson: There's the car! There's the car!
Lou: What car?
Marge Gunderson: My car, my car!

Marge Gunderson: Say, Lou, didya hear the one about the guy who couldn't afford personalized plates, so he went and changed his name to J3L2404?

Gaear Grimsrud: Shut the f*** up! Or I'll throw you back in the trunk, you know?

Marge Gunderson: Mind if I sit down?

Lou: You alright there, Margie?

Marge Gunderson: OK, so we got a trooper pulls someone over, we got a shooting, these folks drive by, there's a high-speed pursuit.

Carl Showalter: Would it... kill you to say something? 'No.' That's the first thing you've said in the last four hours.

Norm Gunderson: It's just a three-cent stamp.
Marge Gunderson: It's terrific.
Norm Gunderson: Hautman's blue-winged teal got the 29-cent. People don't much use the three-cent.
Marge Gunderson: Oh, for Pete's sake. Of course they do.

Mike Yanagita: Do you mind if I sit over here?
Marge Gunderson: No. Why don't you sit over there? I'd prefer that.
Mike Yanagita: Huh? Uh... ok. Sorry.

Mr. Mohra: Oh, he was a little guy... Kinda funny lookin'.
Officer Olson: Uh-huh. In what way?

Carl Showalter: You can have my truck. Here's the keys. I'm takin' the Ciera.
Gaear Grimsrud: We split that.
Carl Showalter: How the f*** do you split a f***in' car, ya dummy?