Lois: Peter, you've never done a creative thing in your life.
Peter: I'll handle it, Lois. I read a book about this sort of thing once. Brian: Are you sure it was a book?
Lois: We'll continue this discussion tonight, young man. A woman is not an object.
Stewie: Hello, operator? Hello? Oh God, that's right, you have to punch in the numbers nowadays. I should know this...
Brian: Well, well, well. Looks like someone's in love. Stewie: Ha! That's so funny I forgot to laugh.
Stewie: Damn you, vile woman!
Dr. Hartman: Okay, okay. Mr. Griffin, all your tests came back negative. As it turns out the lump on your chest was just a fatty corpuscle. Peter: Fatty corpuscle?
Stewie: My God, it's finally happened.
Lois: You're drunk again!
Doctor: Well, Rudolph, we finally figured out what makes your nose red. Rudolph: Is it pixie dust or Leprechaun tails?
Chris: When I stick this army guy with the sharp bayonet up my nose, it tickles my brain. [does so and laughs] Ow!
Brian: Peter, did you read the fine print on this loan contract?
Police Officer: Why are you holding that infant's hand? Stewie: Oh, we met on the Internet. Brian: Shut up!
Peter: Lois, no one really needs glasses. Meg: You wear glasses.
Meg: I just wanna kill myself! I'm going upstairs right now and eat a whole bowl of peanuts!... I'm allergic to peanuts!... You don't know anything about me! [runs upstairs]
Chris: I love you, Grandpa.
Peter: If we're gonna beat the New England Patriots next week, I got to toughen you up. So you're gonna get into shape the way American athletes do.
Peter: You know what really grinds my gears? People in the 19th century. Why don't they get with the freakin' program?
Stewie: All right, Brian, we'll go. But don't touch anything while we're there. Even stepping on a mosquito can cause a chain reaction that drastically alters the present. Brian: Really?
Peter: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Joe, I... thought you were bringing your cop friends over. What are all these parallelograms doing here?
Stewie: Why can't you just hang out with guys, you know? Just live with someone of your own sex, just do what you would do with women, but with your buddy. Why don't guys do that? Brian: They do, it's called being gay. Stewie: Oh, that's what gay is?
Stewie: You can't leave, man, that's desertion. They'll come after you like Peter went after that hockey coach...
Peter: Brian, there's a message in my Alpha Bits. It says 'OOOOOO'.
Lois: Peter, why would they make you president? Peter: Probably because I can recite all 50 states in a quarter of a second.
Peter: And when you die, you go to a wonderful place called heaven.