Ben Stiller: Who are you? Andy: Nobody. Ben Stiller: What's that? Who? Andy: Nobody. Ben Stiller: That's right. Nobody. Yeah. And who am I?
(Warwick starts to punch Andy for hitting on his fiance) Andy: What are you doing?!? Warwick Davis: What do you think I've got this ring for? Andy: I don't know.
[Shaun bites into the muffin while it's still in Darren's hand] Andy: Why's he eating like that? Darren: Yeah, why are you eating it like that? Shaun: Me hands, been cleaning out the toilets, got no gloves. Andy: You... you shook my hand when you came in.
Darren: The papers don't look good. Andy: Oh, what's it say? Darren: 'Bully kicks midget in face'. Andy: Accurate... Darren: 'Pick on someone your own size, fatty'. Andy: At least it can't get worse. Darren: Yeah, look at this one.
Patrick Stewart: Hello Maggie. This is Patrick Stewart.
Daniel Radcliffe: You married? Make-Up Artist: Yeah Daniel Radcliffe: Don't stop me.
Patrick Stewart: You're not married, you haven't got a girlfriend...
Maggie: I'm just going to get a drink. Does anyone want anything? Andy: I'll have a cup of tea. Daniel Radcliffe: Yeah, get me a bourbon, would you babe?
Darren: Errm. Do you want to put another meeting in? Andy: Any point? Darren: May as well.
Kate Winslet: I'm doing it because I've noticed that if you do a film about the Holocaust you're guaranteed an Oscar. I've been nominated four times. Never won. The whole world is going, 'Why hasn't Winslet won one?' Andy: Def-yeah. Kate Winslet: Right, so... That's why I'm doing it. 'Schindler's bloody List.' 'The Pianist.'
Caterer: That's not a pube, it's a dog hair. Andy: Oh, it's alright everyone! It's not a pube, it's just a dog hair, that's all. I thought it was a pube, but no.
Dan: I'm just trying to get into TV. I mean, to be honest, there's not a lot of black faces needed on television. Maggie: ...'Crime Watch.' Dan: What? Maggie: The reconstructions on 'Crime Watch', they always need black actors... or white actors. They need black actors and white actors.
Ross Kemp: I headbutted a horse once.
Darren: They wanted you to go in and do an audition. Andy: Right. Darren: Obviously I said no, but I thought that was very positive. Andy: What do you mean, you said no?
Les Dennis: You don't remember. Nobody remembers. That's why I'm in a sh*tty little panto, where the only people laughing were that bunch of gays. Andy: Nothing wrong with gays. Les Dennis: I know. But they'll laugh at anything. No victory in making a bunch of gays laugh, they laugh at anything.
Shaun: Kids can be cruel, eh? Darren: Yeah. They can. Shaun: What do they say? Darren: You know what they say. Shaun: What, 'lanky four-eyed twat'? Darren: Yeah. Shaun: 'Weirdo goggle-eyed gimp'? Darren: Sometimes. Shaun: 'Frankenstein's albino gonk'?
Greg: Look -- do you want fame and fortune, or do you want integrity and respect? Andy: Both. Trey: Right. Well, there are only a few people in the world who have both those things. And you will never be one of them. What do you want?
Ian McKellen: Peter Jackson comes from New Zealand, says to me, 'Sir Ian, I want you to be Gandalf the wizard.' And I say to him, 'You are aware that I am not really a wizard...' And he said, 'Yes, I’m aware of that. What I want you to do is use your acting skills to portray the wizard for the duration of the film.' So I said, 'Okay.' And then I said to myself, 'Hmm, how do I do that?' And this is what I did:
Darren: Great show, brilliant show tonight. Very very funny. Andy: Yeah. What was your favorite bit? Darren: Um... Andy: You didn't watch it, did you?
Chris Martin: (shooting a PSA) Can we get on with this? I've got to do AIDs and Alzheimers and land mines this afternoon, and I want to get back for Deal or No Deal.