Bernard: The music was too loud, the food was cold, the drinks were few, and the people were many. It was everything I expected, and less.
Manny: Let's paaaar... Bernard: DON'T YOU DARE USE THE WORD 'PARTY' AS A VERB IN THIS SHOP!!
Manny: She's nice. Bernard: Oh, she's nice is she? Don't make me get sick into my own scorn.
Bernard: And what am I supposed to do when you're doing the underpants charleston with this insane, blind tart?! Manny: Why are you getting so angry?
[Bernard owes money to his elderly landlady] Bernard: She doesn't need any more money!
Moo-Pa: Shop's still called Black Books, I see? Bernard: Yeah. I was gonna call it World Of Tights, but you know how stupid people are.
Manny: Bernard! He wants my hair! Bernard: How dare you?! Don't you touch a hair on that boy's head! Have you no respect? He's mine!
Fran: You know, in Tibet, if they want something, do you know what they do? They give something away. Bernard: They do, do they?
Manny: Bernard, where's the thing?
Bernard: I'm a quitter. I come from a long line of quitters.
Bernard: What is this I'm drinking? It's disgusting.
Bernard: Men have a different way of noticing hair and appearance.
Fran: Bernard, why aren't you dancing? Bernard: There's no music.
Bernard: But you hated school; you had a terrible time. Fran: I've never said that! Bernard: You don't have to say anything.
Bernard: There. There he is. Half Iago, half Fu Manchu.
Evan: I took a risk when I gave you a job. A lot of people would have said, 'Who is this rudderless hippy? How do I get away from him?'
Fran: Oh my god! Mickey Rourke had another facelift.
Bernard: You know what you are?
Manny: You think I should wash my beard? Bernard: Yes, I think you should wash it.
Bernard: No one is willing to admit that wine doesn't actually have a taste. Manny: Of course you can't taste anything, you smoke eighty bajillion cigarettes a day. What's that you're eating? Bernard: Some sort of delicious biscuit.
Man 1: Hello, we were wondering whether we could talk to you about Jesus? Bernard: Great! Come in! Man 1: What? Bernard: I'd love to hear about Jesus, what's he up to now? Come on, come on in. Man 1: Er... are you sure? Bernard: Yes, in, in, come in! Man 2: It's a trick!
Bernard: What do they want from me? Why can't they leave me alone? I mean, what do they want from me? Manny: They want to buy books. Bernard: Yeah, but why me? Why do they come to me?
Bernard: Excuse me there seems to be some sort of mistake. I bought a drink and some popcorn and now I have no money. Theater Worker: That's how much it costs. Bernard: Why? Is it special popcorn?
Bernard: GET AWAY FROM ME! It was a thrill to recreate with you, but now our association ends! You have brought nothing but pain, penury and strife into my days!
Manny: I was just going to say, I'm off to get the paint. Bernard: What for? The shop's the way it is because it is the way it is.
Bernard: Perhaps you'd like me to put the price down. Customer: Well I was thinking two pounds. Bernard: Because three pounds is just naked profiteering for a book of a mere 912 pages long. What'll I do with that extra pound? I'll add another acre to the grounds. I'll chuck a few more koi carp in my piano shaped pond.