Austin: The 70s and the 80s? You're not missing anything! I looked into it.
Dr. Evil: Mini-Me, stop humping the laser.
Dr. Evil: Mini-Me, are you hungry? Something to eat? Not even a Hot Pocket?
Dr. Evil: You're quasi-evil. You're semi-evil. You're the margarine of evil. You're the Diet Coke of evil.
Fat Bastard: I can't stop eating. I eat because I'm unhappy, and I'm unhappy because I eat.
Ivana: Do you know how we keep warm in Russia? Austin: I can guess, baby. Ivana: We play chess.
Frau Farbissina: I have come to embrace the love that dare not speak its name. To my right is my lover. We met at the LPGA Tour.
Dr. Evil: The moon unit will be divided into two divisions:
Dr. Evil: Mojo. The libido. The life force. The essence. The right stuff.
Felicity Shagwell: So Austin tell me about the future.
Mustafa: Hello, out there! Is the movie over? I'm still down here, and I'm still in quite a lot of pain. Maybe someone in the lobby could call an ambulance. Oh! The pain is really quite severe.
Dr. Evil: Number Two, you look so healthy, and youthful.
Austin: Hello Basil. Basil: Hello, Austin. How was your honeymoon? Austin: It turns out that Vanessa was a fembot. Basil: Yes.
Dr. Evil: Mr. President, after I destroy Washington D.C... I will destroy another major city every hour on the hour. That is, unless, of course, you pay me... one hundred billion dollars. The President: Dr. Evil, this is 1969!
Past Austin: Wait a tick. Who are you? Austin: I'm you ten minutes from now. Past Austin: Damn it.
Austin: [shooting photos] OK, you're an animal! Yes, there we go. You're a tiger! You're Tony the Tiger! You're grrreat! Very good. Loving it. Now you're a lemur. Running as a pack. We go left. We go right. There's a predator out of the jungle. What's going on? Burrow! That's right, you're a lemur. That's all you've got. You don't have sharp teeth capable of biting.
Dr. Evil: Therefore, we shall call it the Alan Parsons Project. Scott: Oh, my God. Dr. Evil: What now? Scott: The Alan Parsons Project is a progressive rock band in 1982. Why don't you just name it 'Operation Wang-Chung'? Ass. Dr. Evil: I'm sorry, i don't... Scott: Oh nothing.
Mustafa: I can't stand to be asked the same question three times. It just irritates me. Austin: Where's Dr. Evil hiding? Mustafa: Why would he tell me? I'm just one of his low-level functionaries. Austin: Where's Dr. Evil hiding? Mustafa: You'll have to torture me. I'll never tell you. Austin: Where's Dr. Evil hiding?
Dr. Evil: Hang on Mini-Me! If anything should happen to you I don't know what I would do.
Dr. Evil: Talk to the hand, 'cause the face don't wanna hear it anymore. The President: What hand? Talk to your hand? Dr. Evil: You ain't all that and a bag of potato chips. The President: What are you talking about?
Scott: Look, I was wondering if we could work all this out? You are, after all, my father. Dr Evil: Scott, you had your chance, okay? I've already had someone created in my image.
Scott: A trillion is more than a billion, numb-nuts. Dr. Evil: All right. Zip it. Scott: You- you can't even-- Dr. Evil: Zip it! Zip. Scott: Look, all I'm--