Kenneth: So Mr. Donaghy, what can I do for you? Jack: I heard you were talking to my colleague Devon Banks. Did he tell you why he was in New York?
Jack: You should get to know Devon, tell him all of your television ideas. You know he started off as a page just like you.
Liz: I'm 37, please don't make me go to Brooklyn. Jaime: I'm 20. Liz: Oh, boy. This just went from a senior dating a freshman to Mary Kay Letourneau and Vili Fualaau.
Liz: Hello, I'm sorry, may I speak to Floyd, please?... Oh, he's in the shower... I am conducting a survey for the Ranford Group, and, uh, how old are you? ...And your weight? ...And when was the last time you had intercourse? ...Who is this? Who is you?
Jack: All of my summer replacement shows were big hits - America's Next Top Pirate, Are You Stronger Than A Dog, MILF Island. Liz: MILF Island?
Phoebe: You know how John Lennon was better than all the rest of the Beatles but he never realized it until he met Yoko? Well I'm gonna be Jack's Yoko!
Jack: Devon, what can I do for you? Devon: I think we're way past that Jack. Let's be honest with each other. I'll go first.
Jack: Just get him [Tracy] back in time for the show. I have a very full plate. Liz: Really? Is it from that pie place? Jack: And I'm tired of going to bat for you and your show. Liz: Oh. Ok. Fine. But just to be clear....
Kenneth: The Empire State Building will be lit in the color of your choosing. Tracy: Clear. Kenneth: Sea World will now let you borrow a killer whale for spring break. Tracy: I'll need a whale saddle. Kenneth: And Steven Spielberg wants you to star is his next movie.
Liz: I am a grown woman! I have been doing things my way for a long time. I don't like my 'life stuff' mixing with my 'dude stuff.' Jack: A middle-aged woman saying 'dude stuff,' is that on my sadness scavenger hunt?
Liz: I don't want to hear about your job, Dennis. Dennis: One word: coffee. One problem: where do you get it? Liz: Anywhere! You get it anywhere! Dennis: Wrong! You get it at my coffee vending machine. 38th & 6th in the basement of the K-Mart.
Jack: Alright everyone, it's back to the drawing board. Legal rejected all of our ideas - every one of the names we came up with was offensive in some language, including English, Frank.
Tracy: What everyone needs to do is calm down, take a deep breath, and prepare their bodies for the Thunderdome.
Dr. Spaceman: Tracy, I don’t know how to say this… de-ay-bah-tees? Tracy: Diabetes? Dr. Spaceman: That's it!
Gavin Volure: He's gonna do it! Gavin Volure's gonna jump! Jack Donaghy: Don't Gavin!
Jeffrey: Okay, I'm Jeffrey. I am a mediator, and you two are having a dispute. Now why is that? Jenna: Because Tracy thinks he can treat me unfairly because I'm a woman. Tracy: What? Please, we are here because white folks think they can do whatever they want to do to black folks. It's like when Adrien Brody kissed Halle Berry at the Oscars!
Liz: It was the cheese curls. Jack: Pardon? Liz: Causing the false positives on my home pregnancy tests.
Tracy: Black people, don't vote! Did you know that in the amount of time it takes to vote you could play three games of pool? Three!
Jack: She is my lover. That's right. She's my liberal, hippy-dippy mama; my groovy chick; my old lady. She was our chief adversary during the Sheinhardt Wig hearings.
Jack: What are you doing in Harlem? C.C.: Oh I'm working out of the Clinton offices for a few weeks. I'm helping Hillary retool her universal healthcare platform.
Kenneth: Mr. Jordan, Ms. Maroney. You wanted to see me? Jenna: Kenneth, Tracy and I want to do something for the crew, you know, to thank them for being sick. Tracy: We didn't know what to get them, but then I had a brain storm.
Elisa: You over-analyze everything with your big head! Jack: Well, you have big boobs. Elisa: Which you'll NEVER touch again!!
Jack: The world is made by those who control their own destiny. It isn't made by those who don't do, it's made by those who do do. Which is what made me the man I am.
Jack: That's what I'm talking about, empathy. It's about as useless as the Winter Olympics...
Jack: Lemon, I don't share this often, but this is a photo of me when I was 25 years old. Liz: What the what?! You have a Superman chest! Jack: I know. Liz: Oh my God, the lady will have two tickets to the gun show!