Jack: Have you ever considered becoming the celebrity face of the Republican Party? Tracy: What? Hell no! Black people supporting Republicans? Does hot support cold?
Dr. Leo Spaceman: Boy, it's crazy to think we used to settle questions of paternity by dunking a woman in water until she admitted she made it all up.
Jack: Lemon, I would like to teach you something.
Angie: I've never been so disrespected in my life!
Liz: ‘Cause living a lie will eat you up inside.
Jack: This is a sign. The lower classes are getting cranky about the rich earning all of their money away from them. Can’t they see this is in their best interest?
Criss: You don't use the tab closers on cereal boxes!
Denise Richards: Don't talk to me like I'm stupid!
Jack: When she's ready, Dr. Kevorkian says we have to put her down.
Kaylee Hooper: The ocean is for tools. Jack: The ocean is awesome and for winners.
Jack: New York gives us a tax break for employing sex offenders.
Jenna: Am I trying to instigate fights by throwing wine at people just to get on camera, and maybe also promote my new lifestyle website, Jennas-Side.com? Of course not.
Frank: There was a cyclone in Brooklyn last year.
Liz: See, this is exactly the kind of thing that happens when there's no order, no planning.
Jenna: This is why I hated my first two weeks at the Royal Tampa Academy of Dramatic Tricks: No one knew who was the sluttiest.
Jack: Making it through a full 24 hours without a single misstep is called Reaganing. The only other people who have ever done it:
Kenneth: Oh, and the Chilean miners are all out, and they are very angry about what you've been saying about them.
Jenna: I'm gonna to have to reinvent you. Break you down completely, and build you up from scratch.
Wesley: Fine, it's your loss. There's only one Wesley Snipes in the world.
Tracy: I've seen a blind guy bite a police horse! A puppy committed suicide after he saw our bathroom! I once bit into a burrito and there was a child's shoe in it! I've seen a hooker eat a tire! A pack of wild dogs took over and successfully ran a Wendy’s. The sewer people stole my skateboard!
Tracy: Parties are like frisbees.
Jenna: Jerem! Look how drunk I am and how full of cheese my mouth is!
Liz: Ugh, I hate January. It's dark and freezing and everyone's wearing bulky coats.
Jack: Weird... in a good way.
Jack: What have children ever done for us?
Jack: Good God, Lemon, your breath!
Liz: I did Big Sister in college.
Tracy: Friendship and trust in the entourage is the most important thing.
Jack: You wake a sleepwalker, you risk getting urinated on.
Tracy: In the spirit of Christmas and Kwanzo— Liz: Kwanzaa.