Jenna: I've gotta miss an hour of rehearsal today 'cause I just found out from my publicist that I've been booked on The View.
Liz: You're not even listening, are you? Poop. Monkey butt.
Jack: I want full stake in the Arby's franchise we bought outside of Telluride.
Jack: Lemon, the grown-up dating world is like your haircut.
Jack: I've asked Tracy to join me at the G.E. golf tournament in Connecticut.
Jenna: If the president is so serious about the war on terror, why doesn't he hunt down and capture Barack Obama before he strikes again? It's time for a change, America.
Tracy: If you get rich off this stuff, just take care of my family.
Tracy: I'm whipped! Angie got me up at 7:30 today.
Tracy: I do not want to disappoint our Japanese public, especially Godzilla. Hahaha! I'm just kidding.
Liz: She's very well-read... and she's very stylish, don't you think? And you know the most important thing is she makes Jack very happy.
Tracy: I believe that the moon does not exist. I believe that vampires are the world's greatest golfers but their curse is they never get a chance to prove it.
Liz: It rhymes with your favorite Todd Rundgren album.
Dot Com: Yo, Kenneth. We need to talk now.
Jack: Deborah is testing off the charts in the most profitable demographics:
Jack: I just need him awake for a few minutes. Can't you... inject something directly into his heart? Dr. Spaceman: Oh, I'd like nothing better.
Kenneth: Alcohol? This smells like Hill-people milk.
Bev: What was your reason for wanting to adopt? Liz: Thank you, for that question. The world is a troubled place and so many children in need of adoption worldwide...
Jack: Kenneth, how much money do you have in your savings? Kenneth: Well, let's see... Eighty thousand dollars! Jack: If you don't include Confederate money?
Tracy: They do that a lot of movies: An Affair to Remember, Sleepless in Seattle, and that remake of An Affair to Remember that I was in.
Jack: I love this idea; it's great synergy. By putting a TV actress into the movie world we can promote both.
Tracy: Jenna, we're the most important people here, right? Jenna: Well, of course, Tracy. We're actors.
Jenna: A drinking contest?
Josh: Cerie said she would do it with you.
Liz: Maybe Donald is Tracy's son, because maybe Tracy is sixty. Think about it: he can't rap, he has diabetes, a lot of his friends are dead... Pete: He falls asleep in chairs, he doesn't know how to use a computer, he's always mad at the TV...
Thad: And you - you were the star of The Sound of Music.
Jack: You have more sexual hangups than an adult chat line run by Gilbert Gottfried. Liz: What?
Jack: The UN is useless, the State Department is full of Democrats, and as it turns out Amnesty International is nothing but a company that makes candles.
Jenna: (rapping) My name is Suri Cruise. Put your hands in the air!
Liz: We need to get these guys! Don't you know the Postmaster General? Jack: I do, but we had a falling out over the Jerry Garcia stamp.
Liz: I don't know how, but you're gonna get me another sandwich. Or I'm gonna cut your face up so bad, you'll have a chin.