| Quote | Character | Type of Character |
| It's after 6 o'clock Lemon. What am I, a farmer? | |
| Werewolf bar mitzvah, spooky scary. Boys becoming men, men becoming wolves | |
| I want to go to there. | |
| If the whole world moved to their favorite vacation spots, then the whole world would live in Hawaii and Italy and Cleveland | |
| I think we're way past that Jack. Let's be honest with each other. I'll go first. I'm gay and I want your job | |
| Tell him his mother's here! ...And she loves him! ...But not in a queer way! | |
| Blurg. | |
| Oh, I've had this conversation before. You're marrying my mom, aren't you? | |
| That’s what they said about Hasselhoff, then he tried to make out with me during a commercial break. | |
| You just released enough hydrofluorocarbons to kill a penguin. [pulls out a picture] This penguin! | |
| | Quote | Character | Type of Character |
| We open on a lone soldier walking through the desert. The year 1861, the place... Mars. | |
| Oh, it's the Japanese porn star diet. I only eat paper, but I can eat all the paper I want. | |
| You know how John Lennon was better then all the rest of the Beatles but he never realized it until he met Yoko? Well I'm gonna be Jack's Yoko! | |
| I have the results of your DNA Test. I am very serious about doctor patient confidentiality, so I am gonna have to ask that all four of us keep this to ourselves. | |
| I do not want to disappoint our Japanese public, especially Godzilla. Hahaha! I'm just kidding, I know he doesn't care what humans do. | |
| Whoa, check out the bling. Or whatever it's called now | |
| I love how it makes me feel. It's like my heart is trying to hug my brain! | |
| It's a massacre! I can't go back to teaching high school math. Those girls pretend they're not women, but they are. | |
| we can work out a signal so I could let you know when he does arrive. like...Cooo. Coooo | |
| If there's one thing I learned from you, Jack, it's to keep your friends close and your enemies so close that you're almost kissing. | |
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