Comedians By Joke

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Can you name the stand up comedians based on their popular jokes?

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I wish I was a snake. I do. Did you ever wish you were a snake? Yeah, you do. I do. Every time I see snakes on TV, I'm like, 'Oh, why not me?'
I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
I won't say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like: What I'm going to be if I grow up.
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
My greatest hero is Nelson Mandela: incarcerated for 25 years, he was released in 1990, he’s been out about 18 years now...and he hasn’t reoffended.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
I been seeing newspapers every Sunday morning. White dudes be in there in their drawers, never having no bulge, smiling at you. If I ain't have no bulge, I wouldn't be smiling!
Parents are not interested in justice -- they want quiet!
As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I've done my job.
After you've dated someone, it should be legal to stamp them with what's wrong with them so the next person doesn't have to start from scratch.
We've gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We've gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in 12 years, we'll be voting for plants.
I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
I am part Mongolian rapist. And I will be totally honest with you: I love it.
I can't even find someone for a platonic relationship, much less the kind where someone wants to see me naked.
The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen?
I knew these Siamese twins. They moved to England, so the other one could drive.
I had to stop drinking, cause I got tired of waking in my car driving 90.
I think it's great that we have a president who looks like he's always staring directly into the sun
Sincerity is everything. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
It's like our country is being run by a bunch of bad alcoholic dads right now.
Every group of black guys should have at least one white guy in it. Im serious for safety, cause when the **** goes down someone is gonna need to talk to the police.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
Bozo the Clown. Do we really need 'the Clown'? Are we going to confuse him with Bozo the Tax Attorney? Bozo the Pope?
I gave my cat a bath the other day. They love it. He sat there. He enjoyed it. It was fun for me. The fur would stick to my tongue, but other than that...

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