| Joke | Comedian |
|---|
| Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis. | |
| I been seeing newspapers every Sunday morning. White dudes be in there in their drawers, never having no bulge, smiling at you. If I ain't have no bulge, I wouldn't be smiling! | |
| I wish I was a snake. I do. Did you ever wish you were a snake? Yeah, you do. I do. Every time I see snakes on TV, I'm like, 'Oh, why not me?' | |
| Sincerity is everything. If you can fake that, you've got it made. | |
| Every group of black guys should have at least one white guy in it. Im serious for safety, cause when the**** goes down someone is gonna need to talk to the police. | |
| I think it's great that we have a president who looks like he's always staring directly into the sun | |
| The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? | |
| I won't say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like: What I'm going to be if I grow up. | |
| It's like our country is being run by a bunch of bad alcoholic dads right now. | |
| I am part Mongolian rapist. And I will be totally honest with you: I love it. | |
| Bozo the Clown. Do we really need 'the Clown'? Are we going to confuse him with Bozo the Tax Attorney? Bozo the Pope? | |
| I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens. | |
| I had to stop drinking, cause I got tired of waking in my car driving 90. | |
| | Joke | Comedian |
|---|
| As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I've done my job. | |
| My greatest hero is Nelson Mandela: incarcerated for 25 years, he was released in 1990, he’s been out about 18 years now...and he hasn’t reoffended. | |
| Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that. | |
| I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot. | |
| I gave my cat a bath the other day. They love it. He sat there. He enjoyed it. It was fun for me. The fur would stick to my tongue, but other than that... | |
| We've gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We've gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in 12 years, we'll be voting for plants. | |
| After you've dated someone, it should be legal to stamp them with what's wrong with them so the next person doesn't have to start from scratch. | |
| A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer. | |
| Parents are not interested in justice -- they want quiet! | |
| I knew these Siamese twins. They moved to England, so the other one could drive. | |
| I can't even find someone for a platonic relationship, much less the kind where someone wants to see me naked. | |
| I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up. | |
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