| quote | Character |
| 'How many monkey butlers will there be?' | |
| 'Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you?' | |
| 'And as for your case, don't you worry. I've argued in front of every judge in the state. Often as a lawyer.' | |
| 'You know what this reminds me of? My Icelandic boyhood.' | |
| 'The faithful people at the Global Positioning System, is all the companionship I need...' | |
| 'Ow, my eye. I'm not supposed to get pudding in it.' | |
| 'Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix.' | |
| 'I make a lot of graphs.' | |
| 'They were bigger than Jesus!' | |
| 'They think they're so high and mighty, just because they never got caught driving without pants.' | |
| 'Silly customer, you cannot hurt a twinkie.' | |
| 'They call 'em 'fingers,' but I never see 'em fing. Oh wait, there they go.' | |
| | quote | Character |
| 'As long as you're doing things for me, will you tie up your bathrobe when you walk around the house?' | |
| 'Uh, did I say corpse hatch? I meant innocence tube.' | |
| 'No, now that I'm off-duty, I'm the world's worst soccer coach.' | |
| 'Can't talk, keeping myself in a state of cat like readiness.' | |
| 'You can't let a single bad experience scare you away from drugs.' | |
| 'What's wrong with this country? Can't a man walk down the street without being offered a job?' | |
| 'I look like cable T.V... ' | |
| ''Inflammable' means flammable? What a country.' | |
| 'You remind me of the monkey man who killed my father's chickens.' | |
| 'I can't go to juvie, they use guys like me as currency.' | |
| 'There's no justice like angry-mob justice.' | |
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