Hawkeye: I'm gonna do something about this--I'm going to Henry. Spearchucker: Henry? Our Henry?
Henry: You know, Frank, as rough as it's been, I think I'll miss you. Frank: Well it might not have come to this if you had had the backbone to maintain some discipline.
Hawkeye: You're out of uniform! Nurse: Where?
Margaret: They love you, Frank.
Frank: You're asking me to let a pervert out of the Army? Hawkeye: Oh, by all means, Frank. Let's leave the perverts in the Army. Trapper: Anyway, Klinger's not a pervert. Margaret: How do you know?
Frank: The man is not normal! Hawkeye: What's normal, Frank? Frank: Normal is everybody doing the same thing. Trapper: What about individuality?
Henry: Here we go. Father dying, right? Klinger: Yes, sir. Henry: Father dying, last year. Mother dying, last year. Mother and father dying. Mother, father, and older sister dying. Mother dying and older sister pregnant. Older sister dying and mother pregnant. Younger sister pregnant and older sister dying. Here's an oldie but a goodie: half of the family dying, other half pregnant. Klinger, aren't you ashamed of yourself?
Sidney: Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice...
Hawkeye: Let's make a pact about drinking. Trapper: All right.
Frank: Klinger, I want to see you out of that dress...tonight!
Klinger: What's this morning's breakfast? Trapper: Last night's dinner.
Frank: I think the Colonel might like to know that Major Houlihan's father was under General MacArthur in the cavalry.
Henry: Boy, I wish I knew what was going on. Radar: I'll tell you later, sir.
Klinger: My mother had those. Had a premonition about Pearl Harbor. Radar: Did she tell anybody?
Frank: Pierce, you disgust me!
Flagg: You're not smart, Freedman, you're dumb, very dumb!...
Hawkeye: We're a bunch of pediatricians. Oh, except for you, Frank. Frank: Oh? And what am I? Hawkeye: Don't rush me, I'm still thinking about it. Margaret: Clumsy oaf.
Frank: So like you, Hunnicutt. Not a patriotic bone in your body.
Klinger: Nobody knows the trouble I've seen... Hawkeye: I know!
Charles: What is that odor? Radar: Uh, north wind, cesspool, east wind, latrine. Charles: The wind is from the south.
Mulcahy: Just as the Lord said to Noah, 'Everything in pairs.'
Rizzo: The Army is a breeze, once you get the hang of the Luther Rizzo secret of military success. Klinger: What is it? Rizzo: Never smile. Klinger: Huh?