'Those are the headlines. God, I wish they weren't.'
'Eat my goal! The goalie has got football pie all over his shirt.'
'In summary then oh no. Chris'
'Let's revolve the weather collar now 70 degrees to the Midlands, where I was first bereaved. And there'll be a large cack of heavy cloud covering the area, but it should stay dry enough for you to dance outside until our lord Beelzebub calls upon us.'
'It's the morning of the nupti-cution'
Serial killer serially executed
'The best kinda justice is if my last victim could be dug up, and he could kill me'
Hapless economic correspondent
'As the minister for ships sprawls on a pin, it's back to you Chris!'
'Tread not on the forest leaves, for you tread on my face.'
Resident French commentator
'When I drive my car, I am not driving. I am participating in a conspiracy called 'traffic'. I will walk.'
The physical cartoonist from The Daily Telegraph
'Time for our resident humourist to roast the hell out everyone with his pomposity pistol'
'If you mention the Church of England to most people, they'll immediately think of the sacraments, and the holy blood of our Lord Jesus Christ. But to many within the church, there is another ritual - the ritual of the bullying ritual.'