My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed ___. -Woody Allen
A cannibal is a guy who goes into a restaurant and orders the ___. -Jack Benny
I do not participate in any sport with ___ at the bottom of a hill. -Erma Bombeck
Whose cruel idea was it for the word “___” to have an “s” in it? -George Carlin
A word to the wise ain't necessary. It's the ___ ones who need the advice. -Bill Cosby
My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we ___. -Rodney Dangerfield
I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of ___. -Ellen Degeneres
There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ___. -Phyllis Diller
Promised some people this week that I would water their plants and take care of their animals while they went on vacation. Bad idea. The people are ___. -Janine DiTullio
Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small ___. -W.C. Fields
When I was a kid, I had dyslexia. I would write about it in my '___.' -Zach Galifianakis
Traffic signals in New York are just rough ___. -David Letterman
My love life is like a fairy tale. It's ___. -Wendy Liebman
You know what burns me? ___. -Jay London
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a ___ named after me. -Steve Martin
If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out ___. -Demetri Martin
I intend to live forever, or ___ trying. -Groucho Marx
A recent police study found that you’re much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you ___. -Dennis Miller
Contraceptives should be used on all ___ occasions. -Spike Milligan
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at ___. -Emo Philips
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my ___ covers them. -Joan Rivers
I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting ___. -Chris Rock
When I eventually met Mr. Right, I had no idea that his first name was ___. -Rita Rudner
I like staying in hotels. I like their tiny soap. I like to pretend it's regular-sized and my ___ are huge. -Jerry Seinfeld
All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more ___. -Jane Wagner
What's another word for ___? -Steven Wright
My wife dresses to kill. She ___ the same way. -Henny Youngman
If at first you don't succeed, find out if the ___ gets anything. -William Lyon Phelps
As women well know, the reason men are no good at playing dumb is most of the time we’re not ___. -Larry Miller
The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later you're ___ again. -George Miller
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