| Quote | Character |
| 'No one writes songs about the ones that come easy.' | |
| 'Oh, yeah, a guy dreams his whole life of a beautiful woman bringing him a sandwich.' | |
| ''Dirty'-one 'r' or two?' | |
| 'Yeah, and making a solid effort in the talent competition, but I'd like to see that car up on some cinder blocks' | |
| 'You can't take the cool out of me. Look, pocket protector and I'm still full of pimp juice.' | |
| 'What's the deal - can't buy bronzer with food stamps?' | |
| 'God, I don't know how I'm gonna quit you. Shh! It's not me, it's Wu.' | |
| “You rub my head, and you might want to make seeing tomorrow your first wish” | |
| 'Wow, how Mission Impossible! I feel like at any moment, Tom Cruise is going to dangle from the ceiling on cables.' | |
| 'I'm so nervous. This is totally knotting up my inner nerd.' | |
| | Quote | Character |
| 'Aw, young love. No, no, hold that position. Norman Rockwell wants to come in and paint you two' | |
| 'You need to go see the wizard. Ask him for some guts' | |
| 'Well you know what my mom says. You have to kiss a few toads. That's it. That's her entire philosophy.' | |
| 'Don't distract me, I'm plotting how to kill you and make it look like an accident.' | |
| Hey, what a man does in the privacy of his own home, office, and/or car is his business. | |
| 'This? This is my 'I'd-rather-be-spelunking' look. It's like you don't know me at all.' | |
| 'Look, the sheriff is an idiot. I've met smarter sandwiches.' | |
| 'She was busted for vandalism, taking a baseball bat to the washing machine that stole her quarters at Suds 'n' Duds.' | |
| 'I hate to bribe you, but... I'm fairly certain that aiding and abetting qualifies me for a dinner date.' | |
| 'Are you always this persnickety?' | |
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