Theme Hospital diseases

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Can you name the Theme Hospital diseases given their causes and symptoms?

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Chronic overdiscussion of soap operasTongue swells to five times its original length
Someone richer, younger and thinner than the patientWeeping and RSI caused by hours of tearing up holiday photos
Standing around by water coolersPatient feels like he/she is sitting on a bag of marbles
Falling off high things onto concreteLoud crack and inability to use afflicted limbs
Sniffing disdainfully at those worse off than the patientNosebeard a badger could make a nest in
Eating pizza found under the cookerUgh. Surely you can guess
Prolonged exposure to the moonSufferers experience enhanced sense of smell
Gelatin-rich diet and too much exerciseExcessive wobbliness and falling down a lot
Small particles of snot in the airRunny nose, sneezing and discoloured lungs
Being bitten by a radioactive (and invisible) antPatients suffer no discomfort. Indeed, many use the condition to play practical jokes on their families
Sniffing cheese and drinking unpurified rainwaterVery uncomfortable for the sufferer
Using a gymnasium treadmill after a mealUpsetting the people directly behind the patient
Telling lies and making up stories to be popularShiny-headedness and embarrassment
Wistful longing for the 1970'sBig hair, flares, platforms and glitter make-up
Spicy Mexican or Indian foodHalf-digested food is emitted from the patient in random clusters
Classic situation comedyHelpless chortling and repetition of unfunny catchphrases
The spirit of the King entering the patient's mind and taking overDonning of colourful suede footwear and eating cheeseburgers
Tiny insects with sharp teethScratching, leading to body-part inflammation
Driving over traffic calming measures in roadFootwear does not fit snugly
Licking the yogurt from the foil tops of opened potsFlesh is rendered see-through and horrible
Face huggers equipped with intelligent alien bloodGradual alien metamorphosis and desire to destroy our cities
Anything unexpectedSwelling
Bungee jumping in cold weatherInability to sit down in comfort
Daytime televisionDelusions of being able to present a cookery show
Fear of job interviewsHandshakes with patient are like grabbing a recently submerged sponge
Mistaking plutonium isotopes for chewing gumPatients with this condition feel very, very unwell
Exposure to poison gas inside golf-ballsDelirium and advanced shame
Overactive sleep gland in the roof of the mouthOverwhelming desire to crash out everywhere
Crunching up ice cubes in drinksPain and frequent trips to the toilet
Mrs. O'Malley's Good Time Whisky Cough MixtureNo cough but no stomach-wall lining either
Patient usually subject of practical jokeRed fluid in veins which evaporates on contact with clothing
Inner-city smog mixed with kebab remainsAbility to breathe fire and shout loudly underwater
Sitting on cold stone floorsUnpleasant feeling of chestiness

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