Homer Simpson or Peter Griffin

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Can you name the source of these words of wisdom: Homer Simpson ('H') or Peter Griffin ('P')?

Updated Apr 30, 2016

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QuoteHomer or Peter
People make up lies all the time. You know Vietnam? Never happened.
I think (boss) picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I'm around.
Now kids, Daddy only drank so that the Statue of Liberty would take her clothes off.
I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?
If something's hard to do, then it's not worth doing.
Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'Sir' without adding, 'You're making a scene.'
If I'm a child that means you're a pedophile, and I'll be damned if I'm going stand here and take this from a pervert.
Son, this is a big day for you. Today, you become the man of the house, because, when we get home, your mother is going to kill me.
(Daughter), vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.
All my life I've had one dream, to achieve my many goals.
Aw crap, since when did they change the meaning of 'for' to 'from'?
Now I may be an idiot, but there is one thing I am not, sir, and that, sir, is an idiot.
(Son), with $10,000 we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming.
Aw, c'mon (wife), isn't 'bribe' just another word for 'love'?
Excuse me, is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you - very homosexually.
That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college!
To you she may be worth a million dollars. But to me she's worthless!
Operator! Give me the number for 911!
To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.
Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor, and it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!
Any problem caused by a tank can be solved by a tank.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
Math. Math my dear boy is nothing more than the lesbian sister of biology.
We're officially on welfare. Come on, kids. Help me scatter car parts on the front lawn.
(Son), everything I say is a lie. Except that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that.
(Boss), I can't come to work today because I was in a terrible plane crash. My family is dead and I am a vegetable. See you tomorrow.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
See, (daughter), things always work out if you just do whatever you want without thinking about the consequences.
Oh yeah? Well, according to paragraph 7, sentence 3, word 8 of the Geneva Convention... 'the'.
I'm in no condition to drive...wait! I shouldn't listen to myself, I'm drunk!
I saw you in that coffee shop, breaking the fifth commandment. Congress passes these things for a reason, (wife).
I had such a crush on her. Until I met you, (wife). You're my silver medal.
I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, Superman.
I got an idea, an idea so smart my head would explode if I even began to know what I was talking about.
They look at me and see a loser. Except that guy with the lazy eye... He sees a loser and a snack machine.
(Daughter), if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.
Oh my god, (friend), there's a message in my Alphabits. It says, 'Oooooo.'
Now, I know you're a feminist, and I think that's adorable, but this is grown-up time and I'm the man.
When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces, I just know they're about to jab me with something.
'To Start Press Any Key.' Where's the 'ANY' key?
I am so not competitive. In fact, I am the least non-competitive. So I win.
Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?
Marriage is like a coffin and each kid is another nail.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
Step aside, its time for me to do my fatherly duty. Haha I said duty, but no time to laugh about it now.
Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover.
If by 'read', you mean 'imagine the naked lady', then yes.

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