Homer Simpson or Peter Griffin

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Can you name the source of these words of wisdom: Homer Simpson ('H') or Peter Griffin ('P')?

Updated Feb 14, 2014

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QuoteHomer or Peter
Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover.
I had such a crush on her. Until I met you, (wife). You're my silver medal.
Oh my god, (friend), there's a message in my Alphabits. It says, 'Oooooo.'
(Daughter), vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.
I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming.
Operator! Give me the number for 911!
Now, I know you're a feminist, and I think that's adorable, but this is grown-up time and I'm the man.
Step aside, its time for me to do my fatherly duty. Haha I said duty, but no time to laugh about it now.
(Boss), I can't come to work today because I was in a terrible plane crash. My family is dead and I am a vegetable. See you tomorrow.
See, (daughter), things always work out if you just do whatever you want without thinking about the consequences.
Marriage is like a coffin and each kid is another nail.
'To Start Press Any Key.' Where's the 'ANY' key?
To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.
Math. Math my dear boy is nothing more than the lesbian sister of biology.
I saw you in that coffee shop, breaking the fifth commandment. Congress passes these things for a reason, (wife).
(Son), with $10,000 we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor, and it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!
If something's hard to do, then it's not worth doing.
I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?
Excuse me, is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you - very homosexually.
Any problem caused by a tank can be solved by a tank.
I think (boss) picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I'm around.
We're officially on welfare. Come on, kids. Help me scatter car parts on the front lawn.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
I'm in no condition to drive...wait! I shouldn't listen to myself, I'm drunk!
If by 'read', you mean 'imagine the naked lady', then yes.
They look at me and see a loser. Except that guy with the lazy eye... He sees a loser and a snack machine.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
All my life I've had one dream, to achieve my many goals.
When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces, I just know they're about to jab me with something.
To you she may be worth a million dollars. But to me she's worthless!
Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'Sir' without adding, 'You're making a scene.'
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
(Son), everything I say is a lie. Except that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that.
I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, Superman.
Son, this is a big day for you. Today, you become the man of the house, because, when we get home, your mother is going to kill me.
Now I may be an idiot, but there is one thing I am not, sir, and that, sir, is an idiot.
If I'm a child that means you're a pedophile, and I'll be damned if I'm going stand here and take this from a pervert.
Now kids, Daddy only drank so that the Statue of Liberty would take her clothes off.
I got an idea, an idea so smart my head would explode if I even began to know what I was talking about.
(Daughter), if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.
Aw crap, since when did they change the meaning of 'for' to 'from'?
Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?
Aw, c'mon (wife), isn't 'bribe' just another word for 'love'?
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
People make up lies all the time. You know Vietnam? Never happened.
That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college!
Oh yeah? Well, according to paragraph 7, sentence 3, word 8 of the Geneva Convention... 'the'.
Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.
I am so not competitive. In fact, I am the least non-competitive. So I win.

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