Television / Homer Simpson or Peter Griffin

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Can you name the source of these words of wisdom: Homer Simpson ('H') or Peter Griffin ('P')?

Updated Apr 30, 2016

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QuoteHomer or Peter
(Boss), I can't come to work today because I was in a terrible plane crash. My family is dead and I am a vegetable. See you tomorrow.
If something's hard to do, then it's not worth doing.
I saw you in that coffee shop, breaking the fifth commandment. Congress passes these things for a reason, (wife).
(Son), everything I say is a lie. Except that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that.
(Son), with $10,000 we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
(Daughter), vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.
To you she may be worth a million dollars. But to me she's worthless!
Excuse me, is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you - very homosexually.
I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, Superman.
Math. Math my dear boy is nothing more than the lesbian sister of biology.
If by 'read', you mean 'imagine the naked lady', then yes.
Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'Sir' without adding, 'You're making a scene.'
Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?
Step aside, its time for me to do my fatherly duty. Haha I said duty, but no time to laugh about it now.
'To Start Press Any Key.' Where's the 'ANY' key?
I'm in no condition to drive...wait! I shouldn't listen to myself, I'm drunk!
Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover.
See, (daughter), things always work out if you just do whatever you want without thinking about the consequences.
I think (boss) picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I'm around.
Now, I know you're a feminist, and I think that's adorable, but this is grown-up time and I'm the man.
They look at me and see a loser. Except that guy with the lazy eye... He sees a loser and a snack machine.
Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.
We're officially on welfare. Come on, kids. Help me scatter car parts on the front lawn.
When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces, I just know they're about to jab me with something.
I had such a crush on her. Until I met you, (wife). You're my silver medal.
The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor, and it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!
I am so not competitive. In fact, I am the least non-competitive. So I win.
I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming.
I got an idea, an idea so smart my head would explode if I even began to know what I was talking about.
Now kids, Daddy only drank so that the Statue of Liberty would take her clothes off.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
All my life I've had one dream, to achieve my many goals.
If I'm a child that means you're a pedophile, and I'll be damned if I'm going stand here and take this from a pervert.
Any problem caused by a tank can be solved by a tank.
Aw, c'mon (wife), isn't 'bribe' just another word for 'love'?
(Daughter), if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.
Operator! Give me the number for 911!
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
Oh my god, (friend), there's a message in my Alphabits. It says, 'Oooooo.'
Oh yeah? Well, according to paragraph 7, sentence 3, word 8 of the Geneva Convention... 'the'.
Marriage is like a coffin and each kid is another nail.
To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.
That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college!
Now I may be an idiot, but there is one thing I am not, sir, and that, sir, is an idiot.
Son, this is a big day for you. Today, you become the man of the house, because, when we get home, your mother is going to kill me.
People make up lies all the time. You know Vietnam? Never happened.
Aw crap, since when did they change the meaning of 'for' to 'from'?

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