Roast of the U.S. Presidents

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Can you name the U.S. Presidents, based on these lame insults?

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RoastPresident
Yes, sir, here's another enormous helping of terrapin soup, served directly to your custom-made bath-tub. You fat hog.
So your entire administration was devoted to helping rich pricks buy bigger limos? With time off to shun AIDS victims and stage phony invasions? Yeah, you belong on the $10 bill.
Wow, you whipped the Spaniards and stole their junky little colonies. Impressive. But let's face it: you're still a hyper-conservative creep with a monstrous forehead.
Excellent work defusing the Civil War, you fussy little doughfaced fraud. Oh, wait.
You sound like a vaguely famous, important Founding Father guy, but really, your only memorable accomplishment is a pompous, imperialistic doctrine that you didn't even write.
The crappy city that's named after you isn't even named after you. Also, the Gold Standard is for douchebags.
Supreme Commander of naps.
Wait, so you earned global renown and admiration for 1) cheating on your wife; 2) not blundering into world war; 3) cheating lots more on your wife; and 4) dying young? Well done.
Called 'The Hero of Many Bottles' because your bravest act in the Mexican War was getting injured when you drunkenly fell off your horse. Ha.
Maybe every 53 year old wants to marry a 22 year old, but when you do it while president, it's just pathetic. Especially when you weren't even elected. Loser.
Wow, you were a hog-raising hick and a pork-barrel hack at the same time. Dewey really should have wiped the floor with you.
How 'Rough and Ready' could you have been when you died due to a stomach complaint after eating too many cherries and milk on the 4th of July?
You were a very impotent president. And no, that's not a typo. Thanks for the Southwest, but really, we would have had it anyway, even without your limp endeavors.
True, you twiddled your thumbs while the country starved. But you did go to Stanford, so I'm sure you're very proud of yourself.
Our children is learned that you were a fake-cowboy poseur and unfailing national embarrassment.
When you died, Dorothy Parker said, 'how could they tell?' SNAP.
You're supposed to be a great general, but your army's most heroic moment was a mass retreat, followed by months of cold, starvation, and dysentery. Plus, your teeth are gross.
Lots of talk about big sticks and rough-riding, but your most lasting cultural legacy is a squeezable child's doll? What a pussy.
Props on the beard. No props on your BS election, wimpy surrender of Reconstruction, and unimaginative, genteel toolishness.
The only thing more hypocritical than your tough talk about bloody revolutions was your lofty commentaries on slavery. Oh and the embargo? That sucked.
You died only a few years ago, and already your name is synonymous with... absolutely nothing. In 100 years, Millard Fillmore will be more famous than you.
Hey! A racist prick who led the country into an unnecessary war! No wonder you're a hero to... liberals?
RoastPresident
Why do we think our best president is the one who killed the most Americans? But congratulations on being the ugliest, most ungainly goober ever to achieve historic fame.
At 5'3', were you the only president to require a high chair for state dinners? When the British burned Washington, did you ride away on a cute little tricycle?
Is 'The Little Magician' the most effeminate Presidential nickname ever? Yes. Yes, it is.
Just the sound of your name can put millions to sleep. Wait, the Whigs aren't a national party anymore?
Civil rights were nice. Being trapped in a bathroom stall and forced to admire your genitals?... somewhat less nice. And Vietnam, that wasn't nice at all.
Famously known as 'The Father of Civil Service.' Oh, wait, except you might be the least famous president ever. Sweet sideburns, tho.
Everybody's idea of a great leader, if a great leader means a corrupt douchebag who invents bogus words like 'normalcy.'
Peanuts + Stagflation = History's Greatest Monster.
Why don't you just drone on in the rain for six hours at your inauguration, and then die? That'd be a great presidency.
It would not be prudent to underestimate your painful lack of charisma, or the noxious spawn of your loins.
You would have moved the capital to Mecca and implemented sharia law, but fortunately they wouldn't put that stuff on the TelePrompTer.
Great job getting impeached. Without even getting laid.
First you cheated, then you lied, then you quit. At least President George Costanza would have taken a nap under his desk or something. But you're the boring kind of evil scumbag.
All the Gilded Age presidents were d-bags, but you were especially obnoxious. Probably it's the Indiana thing.
Maybe if you weren't shot in your first year, you'd be more famous than a cartoon cat who eats lasagne. Sorry.
You almost drowned the White House in an ocean of sleaze and other fluids, but fortunately the Internet came around when you were in office, so you're mostly remembered fondly.
Indian genocide? Check. Depression-inducing economic demagoguery? Check. Chronic gas problems? Check. Yep, safe to say you were a world-class a-hole.
You hoped that you would be called 'His Highness the President of the United States and protector of their liberties.' You precious little fop.
Loved your 250-pp Report on Weights and Measures.. gripping stuff. Oh, and you only made it here because of your dad, who wasn't even a good president.
Decent job on the depression and war stuff. But would it have killed you to stand up once in a while?
You're such a pathetic drunk that even your greatest act of corruption was called the Whiskey Ring.

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Created Sep 10, 2010Curator's PickReportNominate
Tags:Politics, US Presidents, humor, kennedy, lincoln, obama, roast, US History