| Quote | Character |
| You just march over there and slug that creep in the face. | |
| Get me somebody. Anybody. And get me somebody while I'm waiting. | |
| Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn... the clean, cool chill of the holiday air... an **** in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer... | |
| Talk about pissing your money away. I hope you kids see what a silly waste of resources this was. | |
| Rocky bit my thumb. Him's nervous. | |
| Hey Grizz, Bethany and I figured out the perfect gift for you. | |
| Welcome to our home - what's left of it. | |
| We're not coming all the way out here just to get one of those stupid ties with Santa Clauses on it are we? | |
| If that cat had nine lives it sure used 'em all. | |
| What is it? A letter confirming your reservation at the nuthouse? | |
| | Quote | Character |
| I don't know if I oughta go sailin' down no hill with nothin' between the ground and my brains but a piece of government plastic. | |
| Oh, woo. Look at the time. I gotta get to bed. I still gotta brush my teeth, feed the hog, still got some homework to do, still got those bills to pay, wash the car... | |
| Hey Griswold. Where do you think you're gonna put a tree that big? | |
| That's pretty low, mister! If I had a rubber hose, I would beat you into a... | |
| Is your house on fire, Clark? | |
| I think you mean burn rubber and eat my dust. | |
| Hey! If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slu | |
| Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four- | |
| Grace? She passed away thirty years ago. | |
| He read that squirrels were high in cholesterol. | |
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