Condoms come in all different flavours nowadays. There's strawberry and curry and that.

I have my own room, which I've had since yep, since I was born. That's seen a lot of action I tell you.

All right then Einstein if you're so clever, what am I thinking about now?

People see me, and they see the suit, and they go: 'You're not fooling anyone'.

I think it was John Lennon who said: 'Life is what happens when you're making other plans.', and that's how I feel.

You've been under attack for days, there's a soldier down, he's wounded, gangrene's setting in, 'who's used all the penicillin?'

I'm not homophobic, all right?

If you like Top Trumps, you should come to me. I've got about five different sets.

I told him once that I don't like jelly.

Prick yourself and you’d be dead within a day. Or longer.

Oh yeah, they're sad little men.

Gareth, what's your ultimate fantasy?

It’s a title someone’s given you to get you to do something they don’t want to do, for free. Right?

Imagine (Lenny Henry) going out of the door on Comic Relief day and Dawn French is going 'Where you going, you haven't done the washing up. You haven't put the rubbish out.'

'If you want the rainbow, you've gotta put up with the rain.' Do you know which 'philosopher' said that? Dolly Parton.

What are you thinking Gareth?

I think he had to pay for it by the word, because it just said 'Lee love Dawn, marriage?' which you know, I like,

I know someone who is an alchoholic and it is no laughing matter - particularly for his wife. And she's got alopecia.

At least the little handicapped fella is able-minded.

I think there's been a rape up there!