I thought it'd be great, you know? have some time alone with my thoughts... turns out, I don't have as many thoughts as you'd think.

When are you gonna learn about Chinese treachery? Didn't Pearl Harbor teach you anything?

If ignorance is bliss, this is Eden.

Condoms come in all different flavours nowadays. There's strawberry and curry and that. Do you like curry?

So apparently no one dresses up for Halloween here. I wish I had known that before I used grease paint for my mustache. And I can't even take off my hat... because then I'm Hitler.

Now, I know you're a feminist, and I think that's adorable, but this is grown-up time and I'm the man.

Kids, just because I don't care doesn't mean I'm not listening.

Six months ago, I was living in Boston. My wife had left me, which was very painful. Then she came back to me, which was excruciating.

A realtor's just a ninja in a blazer. The average burglar breaks in and leaves clues everywhere, but not me; I'm completely clueless.

Right, well I'll go and have a lie down then. No I won't; I'll go and hit some guests.

There are only two rules in this prison: 1 - Do not write on the walls. 2 - You obey all the rules.

If there is such a thing as reincarnation, knowing my luck I'll come back as me.

Bit over-dramatic - it's only a bollock.

No F-bombs, P-bombs. Actually, no 'B' through 'S' bombs, no bombs. And no bringing home college girls, Berlusconi.

Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it. It's too risky. Ya get a sense of it and then you look away.

I'm a physicist. I have a working knowledge of the entire universe and everything it contains.

She likes to joke that I choked the last breath of life out of her long ago, and now she's just a shell of a woman. I think that's so cute... I called her Shelley.

I'm not a particularly religious guy, but clearly, a power much greater than myself wants me to knock somebody up someday.

If we were to draw a graph of my process, of my method, it would be something like this: Sir Ian, Sir Ian, Sir Ian, action, wizard 'You shall not pass!', cut. Sir Ian, Sir Ian.

I intend to mould those men out there into an aggressive fighting force and I'm not going to get very far if you keep inviting them to 'step this way' in that nancy voice.

To you, it's a potato. To me, it's a potato. But to Sir Walter bloody Raleigh, it's fine carriages, luxury estates and as many girls as his tongue can cope with!

I knew I was lying. No silicon heaven? Preposterous! Where would all the calculators go?

They say this woman with the sexual harrasment case may be able to make Bill Clinton exhibit his penis as evidence. The question is... will it stand up in court?

Are you forgetting that I was a professional twice over - an analyst and a therapist. The world's first analrapist.

I'm sorry, but taking care of children is a huge responsibility. It's more 'Tickle Me, Elmo' and less... 'Let's fill Elmo up with drugs and smuggle him across the border.'

I do not want to disappoint our Japanese public, especially Godzilla. Hahaha! I'm just kidding; I know he doesn't care what humans do.

The only thing I've ever wanted for my kids, is that they're happy, and... that they're out of the house. And I tell you what, happy ain't even *that* important.

Here's a question for 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire'- what kind of an idiot is running ABC?