How to Live in an Amish Paradise

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Can you name the characteristics of an ideal Amish life as set out by 'Weird Al' Yankovic?

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A suitable use for a valley
How a wife ought to look
You should shun these
When to begin daily activities
...activities like
What to keep in your hand
Recommended facial hair
A great reward for finishing your chores
Economic activities can include selling these
If abused by an Outsider, take only this action
...given that you'll get to laugh when they're doing this
Above all, ignore instincts to do this, even if they may be justified
Furthermore, ensure that you do not wear these
...but feel free to don one of these
...preferably in this colour, which your friends would agree looks ideal
It may be useful to remind Outsiders that you are not this
...tell them instead that you are this
After all, you shun luxuries like this thing
(the bill for which you haven't paid in this long)
...and these contraptions
...and this device
...and these individuals
...and these signals
Properly lived, your life will not have time for these things
Also these wee ones will look up to you
Vainness and whininess in another individual can be dealt with this way

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